Anxiety, Depression and the Dark Side of ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’
‘Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely!’ (How the Grinch Stole Christmas).
I don’t want to sound like The Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge but as my friends and family know, I’m not a fan of Christmas. ‘Bah! Humbug!’ If you have similar feelings. I want to let you know there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s entirely natural and normal not to feel excited at the thought of the coming festivities.
I’m not a complete curmudgeon. I do enjoy having a Christmas tree and a few decorations around (but not too early) It seems to me, and I know I am not alone, that the Christmas build up seems to be getting earlier every year, with lights and decorations being put up when Halloween is barely over (Halloween! That’s a story for another day). From the beginning of November, maybe earlier, the aisles of the supermarkets are filled with booze and chocolates.
For some of us, this can spark anxious feelings or highlight that we are depressed and that we don’t feel we are part of this frenzied excitement. We may dread Christmas for many reasons; some of us have been bereaved, a relationship may have broken down. Maybe some are in danger of losing their jobs and are wondering where they’ll find the money for the extra expense of Christmas food, presents for children and wider family.
All of this can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression; Christmas can make us feel more cut off from everyone. We might have social anxiety which is made worse by the thought of having to socialise with people we only meet at holiday times. Some of us just enjoy our own company and the thought of having to be with lots of others fills us with horror.
This time of the year can throw things into sharp focus. It may be the first year your adult children aren’t coming for lunch. In the case of parents separation, it may not be your day for having the children over or there may be squabbles over who they will be with. All of this can add to the pressure of trying to have the perfect Christmas, which doesn’t actually exist. There may be those around you telling you not to be so miserable, ‘it’s Christmas!’ which can bring about feelings of shame and guilt because you are unable to muster up the same enthusiasm.
On a serious note; families being cooped up for this extended time can start to feel irritable with each other. Old grievances come up and rows break out. The alcohol flows which can make domestic violence worse. Over imbibing can also contribute to feelings of anxiety and regret the morning after.
It can be particularly difficult if you are experiencing loss of any kind. You may feel you want to spend the day alone, which naturally friends and family will be unhappy about. Maybe compromise and say you’ll call in for lunch but will go home when you feel you need to. Although, if you want to be alone for the day it’s absolutely ok to do what suits you. This is about your feelings.
Remember, you have the right to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do. If you feel you need a break from the crowd for any reason, you have the right to step out for as long as you need without justifying yourself. If you want to just go away somewhere and not celebrate Christmas, then be damned and do it. I know that’s not easy to do, so I’ve posted some links on learning how to say ‘no’. Ditch the guilt about dreading Christmas.
There are so many expectations put upon us. That we’ll entertain guests, accept invites; Christmas can be especially gruelling for the person who prepares the dinner; sits down for 5 minutes to eat it, fakes a happy smile and mutters ‘merry christmas’ through gritted teeth whilst the rest of the family enjoy themselves and disappear when it’s time to clear away the debris. Vowing they will never host another Christmas (but they always do).
Then comes Boxing Day, when we realise how much we’ve spent on everything and how much food is left over. The baubles are dropping off the Christmas tree, there’s wrapping paper screwed up in the bin and the dog has been sick by the back door from all the naughty treats passed to him under the table the day before.
The Christmas season is never going to go away, but there are ways of making things more manageable. Some of our friends and family will want to keep things the way they’ve always been, possibly because they aren’t willing to take on the mantle of being responsible for organising the festivities; but everything changes and now maybe the time to talk about new traditions. These new traditions can be whatever you want them to be, but make sure they don’t include you cooking, unless of course you want to...it’s your choice.
With regard to spending, maybe make a conscious decision not to go overboard with food and presents. Forward plan what you will actually need and want, so you don’t get so much of the post Christmas regret at having spent so much and the anxiety about the credit card bill in January. Naturally put some luxuries in, they don’t have to be too expensive. Take away the agony of writing Christmas cards to everyone (they probably won't notice anyway) and give the money you would have spent to a charity instead.
I realise that Christmas can be a cause for celebration and that many enjoy all of it, especially with children. But, is there really a need to give presents to everyone and their dog? Last year I saw a video of Martyn Lewis the Money Man, about giving presents which totally put things into perspective for me. I’ve posted the you tube link below. Again, if you want to give lots of presents that’s your choice too.
Maybe you just feel too exhausted, burnt out and depressed to drag the decorations out of the attic! Perhaps you feel you’d like to crawl into the attic and hide with the decorations until it’s all over
(I’ll join you. No mince pies, mind).
I’m sure there’s lots more I could write about. I've added some links below that might be helpful. None of this blog is meant to tell anyone what they should or should not do. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. These are mine, I hope you enjoy reading and that they give you something to think about.
Martin Lewis' Christmas Message In 2018 [14-11-2023]