Everyone has intrusive thoughts, and anyone who says they don’t is fibbing. The difference is, for most people they are passing thoughts. But when people like you and I have intrusive thoughts it feels very different, because they constantly repeat and we ruminate upon them and they become stuck in our minds. Some of us have sticky minds. It’s thought that this stickiness can run in families. So if our parents are the anxious types (through no fault of their own) this could rub off on you.
Types of Intrusive Thoughts
A lot of people find it helpful to have a list of possible types of thoughts, but the reality is we can have an upsetting sticky thought about anything. I couldn't list them all, they are infinite, but I’ve listed a few common examples below.
Fears around health, your own or someone else's
Fear of harm to your children
Fear you will hurt someone, or yourself
Fear of dying
Fear of the world ending
Fear that you are losing your mind
I feel one of the main drivers of these thoughts is our intolerance of uncertainty. We want to know for sure that everything will be ok, but none of us can ever know with 100% certainty that bad things won't happen to us
What happens is that seemingly out of the blue we are struck by a horrible thought. The thought is accompanied by a ‘whoosh’ of anxiety which is called ‘first fear’ a term used by Claire Weekes (1969) which is an automatic response to perceived danger. Generally when we realise there is no danger, eg. a loud bang was just a pile of books toppling on to the floor, our nervous system quickly calms down. Sometimes an intrusive thought can blind side us. We may feel bewildered about where it’s come from and start to add extra panic about what the thought means about the type of person we are. This is second fear. Fear of the fear.
We all have worrying, sometimes horrible thoughts on occasion, but on the whole we are able to put them to one side and not obsess about them. You can safely say that any thought that is accompanied by a whoosh of fear, panic or anxiety is an intrusive thought, which can lead to constant rumination. Remember if the thought is accompanied with panic, this tells you it’s an intrusive thought. You may feel upset and confused because the harder you try to get rid of the thought, the harder it bounces back. Which results in feeling more upset and confused about what’s happening to you.
Just because this thought keeps coming back, it does not mean it’s important or trying to tell you something. Neither does hearing snatched conversations such as ‘she didn’t go to the doctor, now she only has months to live’ have any bearing on your situation. Thoughts that are sticky and repeat are not important.
You have probably been trying to fight the thoughts and trying to conclusively decide which thought is the right one eg. do I love him, don’t I love him?’’ Over and over until you feel confused and consumed by the thought.
There is no need to fight these thoughts, or try to convince yourself about which one is true.
How to deal with the thoughts
Exposure to the thoughts is thought to be the best way, but there is a certain way to do it.
Recognise the thought
‘What if I don’t love my partner and I’m living a lie? You can say to yourself ‘ This is just an intrusive thought. I know this because it feels so awful.’ Observe what you are feeling. Instead of pushing the thought/feelings away. You could say something like ‘wait a second here’s that intrusive thought again.’ Remember, none of us can ever be sure that a thought is 100 percent true or false and even 99 percent certainty wont be enough certainty for you. We can never have total certainty about anything, except like that old saying ‘ the only certainty in life is death and taxes.’
Just thoughts
When the thought pops up, notice it and say to yourself, I notice I’m having that thought again, but I’m not going to argue with it. You’ll probably feel anxiety kick in and you need to accept this. You may then feel afraid of that fear, which leads to fear of the fear, because fear feels horrible and naturally you don’t want it. This is the part most people find tricky. Instead of pushing it away, maybe by repeating positive thoughts to yourself. Just go with the feeling, tell it to do whatever it wants, you aren’t going to argue with it, it will start to dissipate. Remember, your anxious mind will do anything to keep you safe, but anxiety is not dangerous and will not hurt you and does not mean the thought is something you need to pay heed to.
Try to go towards the thought instead of pushing it away and let yourself loosen towards it. Breathe normally. If you notice you are taking shallow breaths then slow your breathing down.
Accept
The thought has popped up. Don’t try to push it away; don’t forget that it might keep popping up. Remember to say ‘these are just thoughts, I’m not going to try to prove if they are true or false, this makes things worse. I’m just going to allow them to be there.’ It sounds counterproductive but your anxious mind wants to be comforted, and when you comfort it, it wants more of the same. Try not to engage with the part of the brain that wants reassurance. It will work for a short time but will keep needing more reassurance. Allow the feelings to stay and refocus on whatever you were doing. Work, exercise, whatever. The thought will probably keep popping up, so just keep following the previous steps. Watch what is going on, instead of engaging.
Let the time pass
Don’t try to rush it away. Although you want it gone, there is no need to hurry. Don’t keep checking to see if it’s gone. You can tolerate the discomfort. Every time the thought comes back, acknowledge it’s there and refocus on what you were doing. Try to slow things down so as not to activate your flight, fight response. Even when you are having thoughts, keep doing what you were doing before, even if you feel very anxious, shaky, sick etc. You won't come to any harm, you’ll just feel awful.
You can just say something like
I've had these thoughts many times before, they don’t mean anything and I can carry on without trying to convince myself if they are true or not. I can never have 100 percent certainty in anything in my life. Nobody can.’
The Cure
This is not a cure, but there is good news. As with everything, the more you practice the better you get. Sometimes anxious,intrusive thoughts will latch on to something else and you’ll wonder why you were worrying about the previous thought. Sometimes the thoughts will go away for a long time, then return, taking you unaware. Your stomach may flip and the anxiety may jump in before you have a chance to think. The difference is, this time you will know what to do to get back on track.
This is just a short article to explain the basics of what's happening to you.
There are many good books and articles around intrusive thoughts. I've listed a few below.
If you feel you'd like help with anything I've written. Please feel free to contact me via my email or contact number on my website.
Reading list:
Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts - Winston & Seiff
Anxiety Panicking about Panic - Joshua Fletcher
Podcast - Disordered Anxiety with Joshua Fletcher and Drew Linsalata
https://open.spotify.com/show/6t3lS8pB0XK9OyErfXS5aJ?si=973eabeef931460c