Grief and Healing
Finding a way through loss
Grief is one of the most profound human experiences, yet it is often met with discomfort and impatience in a society that moves quickly. Friends and family don't always know how to help and sometimes unintentionally hurt. Grief is a process that needs time, space, and compassion.
The Many Faces of Grief
Grief is often associated with the loss of a loved one, but it extends beyond death. We also grieve loss of a job, lost relationships, missed opportunities, changes in health, or even shifts in identity. Any significant change can bring about grief, and recognizing its presence is the first step to healing.
Grief does not follow a straight road. It ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting us unexpectedly, sometimes many years after. There are many theories about the process of grief eg. — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—offer a framework, however real-life grief is far more complex. You may cycle through these stages multiple times, skip some entirely, or experience them in a different order. Before the 1990's it was thought that grief needed to be worked through and that people who were able to distract themselves were in denial and would suffer the consequences later on. However it was noticed that some grieve differently and that some do not need a long period to process grief. Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut noticed these differences and developed the Dual Process Model of Grief and Loss.
Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve
One of the biggest challenges in grieving is feeling as though we must "move on" quickly. The world doesn’t pause for our pain, and societal pressures often make people feel guilty for grieving too long. But grief doesn’t come with a deadline. It is okay to feel sadness, anxiety and depression weeks, months, or even years after a loss. Remember no matter how long or short the period of grief is, it is your experience and there is no need to compare yourself with others.
Self-compassion is key. Allow yourself to experience grief without judgment. This may look like taking a day off to reflect, journaling about your feelings, or talking to someone who understands, who won't give unasked for advice.
Coping Strategies for Grief
Acknowledge Your Feelings – Try not to avoid grief. Give yourself permission to feel without pushing your emotions away.
Seek Support – Connecting with others who understand, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, can help alleviate isolation.
Engage in Rituals – Creating personal rituals, such as lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or writing a letter to what was lost, can give comfort.
Make time for yourself Grief is emotionally and physically draining. Even though you may find it difficult to eat or exercise, try to eat regularly and have some time in the fresh air.
Set Boundaries – You don't have to say yes to activities that feel overwhelming. You don't have to say yes to every visitor unless that's what you want. You may want to ask people to send a message before they visit., This gives you time to decide if you are ready to see them.
When to seek help
While grief is natural, sometimes it becomes overwhelming and leads to prolonged anxiety and depression. If you find that your grief is interfering with daily life, causing persistent feelings of hopelessness, or leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms, you may want to seek professional help like counselling. Talking to someone who is neither family nor friend can be a great relief. It is wise to seek a counsellor who has undertaken bereavement training with an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Support https://www.cruse.org.uk/ Their website provides lots of support in understanding grief.
Moving Forward with Grief
Healing does not mean forgetting or letting go. It means integrating the loss into your life in a way that allows you to continue living meaningfully whilst never forgetting what you have lost. There can be no doubt that grief changes us, but it also reminds us of the depth of our connections and the love that endures.
If you are grieving, know that you are not alone. Your pain is valid, your process is unique, and your healing will unfold in its own time. Be gentle with yourself, and allow space for both sorrow and hope to coexist.
Reading suggestion
Wilson, J. (2020) The Plain Guide to Grief. York.
This is a very good book that explains in plain language what you can expect in the weeks, months and years after loss. It also explains the loss of a loved one during Covid-19.
Chapters 6 and 7 address the life changing illness/surgery and grieving other losses.
Loss of career, a pet, health, friendship, relationship break up, retirement.
It also explains the different models of grief.
The following websites have lots of information about grief and loss.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/
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