Author: marywtkns62@gmail.com

Grief and Healing

Learning to live with loss, one gentle moment at a time

Grief asks a lot of us.
It can feel heavy, confusing, tender, and exhausting — sometimes all at once.
When someone or something important changes or leaves our lives, our world shifts, and it takes time to find our footing again.

Grief is not a sign that something is wrong with you.
It is a sign that you loved, that you cared, and that something mattered deeply.

There is no need to rush.
There is no timeline you have to meet.

You are allowed to take your time.

Grief Comes in Many Forms

We often think of grief after a death, and that kind of loss touches us profoundly.
But grief can appear in many moments of life, such as:

• The end of a relationship or friendship

• A change in health or ability

• Children growing up and leaving home

• Retirement or a loss of identity or routine

• Losing a job or direction

• The death of a pet

• Letting go of dreams or hopes that didn’t happen

Grief can feel like sadness, tiredness, worry, numbness, or simply a sense that life has shifted in a way we didn’t choose.
All of these experiences are valid.

Grief Moves Gently and Slowly

You may have heard about “stages of grief.” These ideas can sometimes help, but they don’t always match real life. Most people move through grief like waves — forward and back, soft then strong, quiet then overwhelming.

Some days may feel heavy.
Other days you may feel moments of peace or even laughter.
Both are part of grief. Both are allowed.

Researchers have also learned that healthy grief often involves moving gently between:

• Feeling the loss — remembering, crying, sitting with emotions

• Taking breaks — resting, doing everyday tasks, connecting with life again

This rhythm is natural.
You don’t have to be in your feelings all the time, and taking breaks does not mean you are forgetting or “moving on.”
It simply means you are human.

Giving Yourself Permission

You don’t have to be strong every day.
You don’t have to feel okay before you are ready.
You don’t have to compare your grief with anyone else’s.

Grief isn’t a test. It is not a race.
It is an experience — and it unfolds in its own time.

When you can, try to offer yourself kindness.
Allow space for whatever arises: sorrow, love, confusion, gratitude, longing, exhaustion.

Small acts of gentleness can help:

• Resting when your body asks for it

• Letting yourself cry if tears come

• Talking to someone who feels safe

• Sitting quietly with memories

• Stepping outside for fresh air

• Keeping your days simple and soft

You are allowed to care for yourself.

When Support Can Help

Grief is natural — and there is no shame in needing extra support.
If you feel overwhelmed, stuck, or very low for a long time, reaching out can bring comfort and relief.

Speaking with someone who truly listens — a counsellor, a support group, or a kind friend — can help you feel less alone.

Reading suggestion

Wilson, J. (2020). The Plain Guide to Grief. York.

This is a very good book that explains in plain language what you can expect in the weeks, months, and years after loss.  It also explains the loss of a loved one during COVID-19.

Chapters 6 and 7 address the life changing illness/surgery and grieving other losses.

Loss of career, a pet, health, friendship, relationship break up, retirement.

It also explains the different models of grief.

The following websites have lots of information about grief and loss.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/about-bereavement/

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/

If you would like to book an appointment with me or ask for more information. Please contact me via email or phone. Click on ‘Contact Me’ underneath this blog

Everyone has intrusive thoughts, and anyone who says they don’t is fibbing. The difference is that, for most people, they are passing thoughts. But when people like you and I have intrusive thoughts, it feels very different; because they constantly repeat and we ruminate upon them, they become stuck in our minds. Some of us have sticky minds. It’s thought that this stickiness can run in families.  So if our parents are anxious types (through no fault of their own), this could rub off on you. 

Types of Intrusive Thoughts

Many people find it helpful to have a list of possible types of thoughts, but the reality is that we can have an upsetting, persistent thought about anything. I couldn’t list them all; they are infinite, but I’ve listed a few common examples below.

Intrusive thoughts around world events

Health, your own or someone else’s

Fear of harm to your children

Fear you will hurt someone, or yourself

Fear of dying (that’s a shitty one)

Fear of the world ending (another shitty one)

Fear that you are losing your mind

I feel one of the main drivers of these thoughts is our intolerance of uncertainty.  We want to know for sure that everything will be ok, but none of us can ever know with 100% certainty that bad things won’t happen to us, and here lies the problem.

What happens is that seemingly out of the blue, we are struck by a horrible thought. The thought is accompanied by a ‘whoosh’ of anxiety, which is called ‘first fear’, a term used by Claire Weekes (1969), which is an automatic response to perceived danger. Generally, when we realise there is no danger, eg, a loud bang was just a pile of books toppling onto the floor, our nervous system quickly calms down. Sometimes an intrusive thought can blind side us. We may feel bewildered about where it’s come from and start to add extra panic about what the thought means about the type of person we are. This is known as the second fear. Fear of the fear.

We all have worrying, sometimes horrible thoughts on occasion, but on the whole, we are able to put them to one side and not obsess about them. You can safely say that any thought that is accompanied by a whoosh of fear, panic, or anxiety is an intrusive thought, which can lead to constant rumination.  Remember, if the thought is accompanied by panic, this tells you it’s an intrusive thought. You may feel upset and confused because the harder you try to get rid of the thought, the harder it bounces back. This results in feeling more upset and confused about what’s happening to you.

Just because this thought keeps coming back, it does not mean it’s important or trying to tell you something. Neither do hearing snatched conversations such as ‘she didn’t go to the doctor, now she only has months to live’ have any bearing on your situation. Thoughts that are sticky and repeat are not important.

You have probably been trying to fight the thoughts and trying to conclusively decide which thought is the right one, eg, Do I love him, don’t I love him?’’ Over and over until you feel confused and consumed by the thought.

There is no need to fight these thoughts or try to convince yourself about which one is true.

How to deal with the thoughts

Exposure to the thoughts is thought to be the best way, but there is a certain way to do it, and it’s best to do it with an experienced counsellor.

Recognise the thought

‘What if I don’t love my partner, and I’m living a lie?  You could say to yourself, ‘ This is just an intrusive thought. I know this because it feels so awful.’ Observe what you are feeling, instead of pushing the thought/feelings away. You could say something like ‘wait a second, here’s that intrusive thought again.’ Remember, none of us can ever be sure that a thought is 100 percent true or false, and even 99 percent certainty won’t be enough certainty for you. We can never have total certainty about anything, except, like that old saying, ‘ the only certainty in life is death and taxes.’

Just thoughts 

When the thought pops up, notice it and say to yourself, I notice I’m having that thought again, but I’m not going to argue with it. You’ll probably feel anxiety kick in, and you need to accept this.  You may then feel afraid of that fear, which leads to fear of the fear, because fear feels horrible, and naturally, you don’t want it.  This is the part most people find tricky. Instead of pushing it away, maybe by repeating positive thoughts to yourself. Just go with the feeling, tell it to do whatever it wants; you aren’t going to argue with it, it will start to dissipate.  Remember, your anxious mind will do anything to keep you safe, but anxiety is not dangerous and will not hurt you, and does not mean the thought is something you need to pay heed to. 

Try to go towards the thought instead of pushing it away, and let yourself loosen towards it. Breathe normally. If you notice you are taking shallow breaths, then slow your breathing down.

Accept  

The thought has popped up. Don’t try to push it away;  don’t forget that it might keep popping up. Remember to say, ‘these are just thoughts, I’m not going to try to prove if they are true or false, this makes things worse.  I’m just going to allow them to be there.’  It sounds counterproductive, but your anxious mind wants to be comforted, and when you comfort it, it wants more of the same. Try not to engage with the part of the brain that wants reassurance.  It will work for a short time, but it will keep needing more reassurance. Allow the feelings to stay and refocus on whatever you were doing. Work, exercise, whatever. The thought will probably keep popping up, so just keep following the previous steps. Watch what is going on, instead of engaging.

Let the time pass 

Don’t try to rush it away. Although you want it gone, there is no need to hurry. Don’t keep checking to see if it’s gone. You can tolerate the discomfort. Every time the thought comes back, acknowledge it’s there and refocus on what you were doing. Try to slow things down so as not to activate your flight, fight response. Even when you are having thoughts, keep doing what you were doing before, even if you feel very anxious, shaky, sick, etc. You won’t come to any harm; you’ll just feel awful.

You can just say something like

I’ve had these thoughts many times before; they don’t mean anything, and I can carry on without trying to convince myself if they are true or not. I can never have 100 percent certainty in anything in my life. Nobody can.’ 

The Cure

This is not a cure, but there is good news. As with everything, the more you practice, the better you get. Sometimes, anxious, intrusive thoughts will latch onto something else, and you’ll wonder why you were worrying about the previous thought. Sometimes the thoughts will go away for a long time, then return, taking you unaware. Your stomach may flip, and the anxiety may jump in before you have a chance to think. The difference is, this time you will know what to do to get back on track.

This is just a short article to explain the basics of what’s happening to you.

There are many good books and articles about intrusive thoughts. I’ve listed a few below.

If you you’d like help with any of the things I’ve written about. Please feel free to contact me via my email or contact number on my website.

watkinsmary388@gmail.com 

Reading list: 

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts  – Winston & Seiff

Anxiety Panicking about Panic – Joshua Fletcher

Podcast –  Disordered Anxiety with Joshua Fletcher and Drew Linsalata

https://open.spotify.com/show/6t3lS8pB0XK9OyErfXS5aJ?si=973eabeef931460c

Anxiety, Depression and the Dark Side of ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’

I don’t want to sound like The Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge, but as my friends and family know, I’m not a fan of Christmas. ‘Bah! Humbug!’ If you have similar feelings.   I want to let you know there’s nothing wrong with you; it’s entirely natural and normal not to feel excited at the thought of the coming festivities.

I’m not a complete curmudgeon. I do enjoy having a Christmas tree and a few decorations around  (but not too early). It seems to me, and I know I am not alone, that the Christmas build up seems to be getting earlier every year, with lights and decorations being put up when Halloween is barely over (Halloween! That’s a story for another day).  From the beginning of November, maybe earlier, the aisles of the supermarkets are filled with booze and chocolates. 

For some of us, this can spark anxious feelings or highlight that we are depressed and that we don’t feel we are part of this frenzied excitement. We may dread Christmas for many reasons; some of us have been bereaved, and a relationship may have broken down. Maybe some are in danger of losing their jobs and are wondering where they’ll find the money for the extra expense of Christmas food, presents for children, and wider family.

All of this can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression; Christmas can make us feel more cut off from everyone.  We might have social anxiety, which is made worse by the thought of having to socialise with people we only meet at holiday times.  Some of us just enjoy our own company, and the thought of having to be with lots of others fills us with horror.  

This time of the year can throw things into sharp focus. It may be the first year your adult children aren’t coming for lunch. In the case of parents’ separation, it may not be your day for having the children over or there may be squabbles over who they will be with. All of this can add to the pressure of trying to have the perfect Christmas, which doesn’t actually exist.  There may be those around you telling you not to be so miserable, ‘it’s Christmas!’ which can bring about feelings of shame and guilt because you are unable to muster up the same enthusiasm. 

On a serious note, families being cooped up for this extended time can start to feel irritable with each other. Old grievances come up and rows break out.   The alcohol flows, which can make domestic violence worse. Too much alcohol can also contribute to feelings of anxiety and regret the morning after.

It can be particularly difficult if you are experiencing loss of any kind. You may feel you want to spend the day alone, which, naturally, friends and family will be unhappy about. Maybe compromise and say you’ll call in for lunch, but will go home when you feel you need to. Although if you want to be alone for the day, it’s absolutely ok to do what suits you. This is about your feelings.

 Remember, you have the right to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do. If you feel you need a break from the crowd for any reason, you have the right to step out for as long as you need without justifying yourself.  If you want to just go away somewhere and not celebrate Christmas, then be damned and do it. I know that’s not easy to do, so I’ve posted some links on learning how to say ‘no’. Ditch the guilt about dreading Christmas. 

There are so many expectations put upon us. That we’ll entertain guests, accept invites; Christmas can be especially gruelling for the person who prepares the dinner, sits down for 5 minutes to eat it, fakes a happy smile and mutters ‘merry Christmas’  through gritted teeth whilst the rest of the family enjoy themselves and disappear when it’s time to clear away the debris. Vowing they will never host another Christmas (but they always do).

Then comes Boxing Day, when we realise how much we’ve spent on everything and how much food is left over. The baubles are dropping off the Christmas tree, there’s wrapping paper screwed up in the bin, and the dog has been sick by the back door from all the naughty treats passed to him under the table the day before.

The Christmas season is never going to go away, but there are ways of making things more manageable. Some of our friends and family will want to keep things the way they’ve always been, possibly because they aren’t willing to take on the mantle of being responsible for organising the festivities, but everything changes and now maybe the time to talk about new traditions. These new traditions can be whatever you want them to be, but make sure they don’t include you cooking, unless of course you want to…it’s your choice.

With regard to spending, maybe make a conscious decision not to go overboard with food and presents.  Forward plan what you will actually need and want, so you don’t get so much of the post Christmas regret at having spent so much and the anxiety about the credit card bill in January. Naturally put some luxuries in; they don’t have to be too expensive. Take away the agony of writing Christmas cards to everyone (they probably won’t notice anyway) and give the money you would have spent to a charity instead.

I realise that Christmas can be a cause for celebration and that many enjoy all of it, especially with children. But, is there really a need to give presents to everyone and their dog? Last year, I saw a video of Martyn Lewis, the Money Man,  about giving presents, which totally put things into perspective for me.  I’ve posted the YouTube link below. Again, if you want to give lots of presents, that’s your choice too. 

Maybe you just feel too exhausted, burnt out, and depressed to drag the decorations out of the attic! Perhaps you feel you’d like to crawl into the attic and hide with the decorations until it’s all over 

(I’ll join you. No mince pies, mind).

I’m sure there’s lots more I could write about.  I’ve added some links below that might be helpful. None of this blog is meant to tell anyone what they should or should not do. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. These are mine, I hope you enjoy reading and that they give you something to think about.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202407/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty

Martin Lewis’ Christmas Message In 2018 [14-11-2023]

https://happiful.com/5-ways-to-resist-overconsumption-and-create-your-own-perfect-version-of-christmas

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christmas-and-mental-health/why-christmas-is-hard/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/coping-with-depression-and-anxiety-at-christmas/

What is It?

The idea was first researched in 1978 by two psychologists Dr Pauline R Clance and Dr Suzanne A Imes.  Based on their research they found it to be more common in women.  More recent research has found it to be equally spread between the sexes; up to 70% of us will feel it at some time in some situations. 

It’s a feeling that if we’ve achieved something it couldn’t have been that hard and we must have had good luck or help. We tend to discount the hard work we’ve done.  It can wax and wane depending on our life circumstances.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, when we take on something new, maybe at work. Maybe, our first thought is ‘who me? I can’t do that, what do I know?’ We may feel slightly sick and anxious and have  thoughts like ‘oh no, if I do this everyone will see me as a fraud and think I’m getting above my station.’

How can we recognise it? Are there triggers?

When we start to compare ourselves with others and start to look at taking more qualifications in our chosen field, even though it doesn’t make us better at our jobs. Although this is not always a bad thing we need to ask ourselves why we are doing it? Is it fear of not knowing everything; maybe doubt that the talents and qualifications we already have are not enough? Then we hear the negative inner voice that starts telling us, ‘you don’t deserve this, you don’t belong here, wait until people find out who you really are.’

External Influences, where does it originate?

 In counselling we talk about ‘conditions of worth’ which we all pick up from the day we are born. These ‘conditions of worth’ are things we are told such as, ‘be good, do well at school, make us proud, work hard.’ Our parents might unintentionally compare us to other children who are on a higher reading book or are doing better in their spelling or maths tests. This can lead us to think that we are only worthy if we achieve, and that we are not worthy if we fail, or don’t know everything. We tend to hold success as a value and if we aren’t ‘on top of our game’ imposter syndrome can start to creep in and undermine us.

Social media can also impact us, if we start comparing ourselves to others who are in the same field and feel that they are doing better than us, this can bring about lack of self belief, and confidence.

Might be better to wish them well and remember there is room enough for us all.

Who is more susceptible to Imposter Syndrome

Those of us with perfectionist tendencies seem to be more susceptible because we tend to pressure ourselves to do everything perfectly . Those with IS tend to be very successful, well qualified  and well thought of but often feel that they aren’t as good as others think and that it’s only a matter of time before they are found out, any failure can feel crushing.

How limiting can this be if left unchecked?

This can limit our lives, as we may feel scared to be visible in case we are criticised or that others think we have ideas ‘above our station.’ There is also the fear that if we are successful we won’t be able to cope with the extra responsibility, that we may get overwhelmed or that we just aren’t good enough; impostor syndrome might tell you that you have no right to put yourself out there. That you don’t belong in that job, or with that group of people.  All of this can lead to perfectionism and procrastination.

We need to be aware of how the pressure to succeed can affect our physical and mental health. There is a link between imposter syndrome and burnout, as those with imposter syndrome try to do everything perfectly; we book ourselves on more courses, buy more books that we never get the chance to read, in order to be the expert on what we are doing, incase someone asks us something we don’t know and uncovers us as the fraud we ‘know’ we are.

 Personal boundaries are very important, making time for work and your personal life is important so that we don’t burn out. This can mean simple things like not answering work related emails, messages before or after a certain time. Taking regular time off and not using it to do work. 

Don’t ignore feelings of being overwhelmed, it’s a sign that you are taking on too much, and that’s when imposter syndrome can really start to get a grip, by telling you how useless, lazy, inept you are, and that others can cope, so what is wrong with you?

What can we do about it? How do we get over the fact that everything doesn’t have to be perfect? Can we change our mindset regarding imposter syndrome?

I’m not sure we can ever completely rid ourselves of imposter but we can change our mindset on how we feel about it.  The first step is recognising when we are having the thoughts of being a fraud, and to remember that almost everyone will have those moments of self doubt. It’s part of being human.  

How do we know when the need to continually learn is problematic?

There is a term known as ‘shiny object syndrome’ where we go off track because we are attracted by something that looks new and exciting and we just have to find out more about it, regardless of all the other shiny things we have on the go, resulting in lots of unfinished projects which can then lead to feeling unworthy because we start to feel overwhelmed, lazy and inept again.

Although self development is important we need to make sure it doesn’t get mixed up with our self-worth; that we are not doing it just to feel better about ourselves.

A good way to decide whether you really need to do this new thing is to note it (ideas notebook etc) and then ponder it for a few days, or even a week. Think about why you want to do this new thing, what benefit will it give to you and your life?  Choose one thing at a time, try not to overwhelm yourself with lots of shiny objects. Have a look at your old unfinished stuff and choose one to complete.  Decide whether it’s worth your time, and if not put it away and focus on something that is worth your time, or maybe even put all the shiny objects away for a set time to put some  perspective and balance back into your life. Learning is wonderful, but always have a look at your reasons for doing it.

Supporting and helping others and self

Notice when you or others are taking on too many things.  Leaving things unfinished, talking themselves and their achievements down. Remember to validate your own and others’ achievements. Remind each other of the successes of the past.  Remember to sit back, take some time to congratulate yourself, accept yourself as human and remember how hard you’ve worked and that you are deserving of your success.

A counsellor can work with you on these thoughts. To see it for what it is, that nagging critical inner voice from childhood telling us we’re not good enough. Imposter syndrome can cripple us and stop us from reaching our potential.

If you would like more information about counselling, please click on the contact link at the top of the page. I will reply to you as soon as I can.