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What is It?

The idea was first researched in 1978 by two psychologists Dr Pauline R Clance and Dr Suzanne A Imes.  Based on their research they found it to be more common in women.  More recent research has found it to be equally spread between the sexes; up to 70% of us will feel it at some time in some situations. 

It’s a feeling that if we’ve achieved something it couldn’t have been that hard and we must have had good luck or help. We tend to discount the hard work we’ve done.  It can wax and wane depending on our life circumstances.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, when we take on something new, maybe at work. Maybe, our first thought is ‘who me? I can’t do that, what do I know?’ We may feel slightly sick and anxious and have  thoughts like ‘oh no, if I do this everyone will see me as a fraud and think I’m getting above my station.’

How can we recognise it? Are there triggers?

When we start to compare ourselves with others and start to look at taking more qualifications in our chosen field, even though it doesn’t make us better at our jobs. Although this is not always a bad thing we need to ask ourselves why we are doing it? Is it fear of not knowing everything; maybe doubt that the talents and qualifications we already have are not enough? Then we hear the negative inner voice that starts telling us, ‘you don’t deserve this, you don’t belong here, wait until people find out who you really are.’

External Influences, where does it originate?

 In counselling we talk about ‘conditions of worth’ which we all pick up from the day we are born. These ‘conditions of worth’ are things we are told such as, ‘be good, do well at school, make us proud, work hard.’ Our parents might unintentionally compare us to other children who are on a higher reading book or are doing better in their spelling or maths tests. This can lead us to think that we are only worthy if we achieve, and that we are not worthy if we fail, or don’t know everything. We tend to hold success as a value and if we aren’t ‘on top of our game’ imposter syndrome can start to creep in and undermine us.

Social media can also impact us, if we start comparing ourselves to others who are in the same field and feel that they are doing better than us, this can bring about lack of self belief, and confidence.

Might be better to wish them well and remember there is room enough for us all.

Who is more susceptible to Imposter Syndrome

Those of us with perfectionist tendencies seem to be more susceptible because we tend to pressure ourselves to do everything perfectly . Those with IS tend to be very successful, well qualified  and well thought of but often feel that they aren’t as good as others think and that it’s only a matter of time before they are found out, any failure can feel crushing.

How limiting can this be if left unchecked?

This can limit our lives, as we may feel scared to be visible in case we are criticised or that others think we have ideas ‘above our station.’ There is also the fear that if we are successful we won’t be able to cope with the extra responsibility, that we may get overwhelmed or that we just aren’t good enough; impostor syndrome might tell you that you have no right to put yourself out there. That you don’t belong in that job, or with that group of people.  All of this can lead to perfectionism and procrastination.

We need to be aware of how the pressure to succeed can affect our physical and mental health. There is a link between imposter syndrome and burnout, as those with imposter syndrome try to do everything perfectly; we book ourselves on more courses, buy more books that we never get the chance to read, in order to be the expert on what we are doing, incase someone asks us something we don’t know and uncovers us as the fraud we ‘know’ we are.

 Personal boundaries are very important, making time for work and your personal life is important so that we don’t burn out. This can mean simple things like not answering work related emails, messages before or after a certain time. Taking regular time off and not using it to do work. 

Don’t ignore feelings of being overwhelmed, it’s a sign that you are taking on too much, and that’s when imposter syndrome can really start to get a grip, by telling you how useless, lazy, inept you are, and that others can cope, so what is wrong with you?

What can we do about it? How do we get over the fact that everything doesn’t have to be perfect? Can we change our mindset regarding imposter syndrome?

I’m not sure we can ever completely rid ourselves of imposter but we can change our mindset on how we feel about it.  The first step is recognising when we are having the thoughts of being a fraud, and to remember that almost everyone will have those moments of self doubt. It’s part of being human.  

How do we know when the need to continually learn is problematic?

There is a term known as ‘shiny object syndrome’ where we go off track because we are attracted by something that looks new and exciting and we just have to find out more about it, regardless of all the other shiny things we have on the go, resulting in lots of unfinished projects which can then lead to feeling unworthy because we start to feel overwhelmed, lazy and inept again.

Although self development is important we need to make sure it doesn’t get mixed up with our self-worth; that we are not doing it just to feel better about ourselves.

A good way to decide whether you really need to do this new thing is to note it (ideas notebook etc) and then ponder it for a few days, or even a week. Think about why you want to do this new thing, what benefit will it give to you and your life?  Choose one thing at a time, try not to overwhelm yourself with lots of shiny objects. Have a look at your old unfinished stuff and choose one to complete.  Decide whether it’s worth your time, and if not put it away and focus on something that is worth your time, or maybe even put all the shiny objects away for a set time to put some  perspective and balance back into your life. Learning is wonderful, but always have a look at your reasons for doing it.

Supporting and helping others and self

Notice when you or others are taking on too many things.  Leaving things unfinished, talking themselves and their achievements down. Remember to validate your own and others’ achievements. Remind each other of the successes of the past.  Remember to sit back, take some time to congratulate yourself, accept yourself as human and remember how hard you’ve worked and that you are deserving of your success.

A counsellor can work with you on these thoughts. To see it for what it is, that nagging critical inner voice from childhood telling us we’re not good enough. Imposter syndrome can cripple us and stop us from reaching our potential.

If you would like more information about counselling, please click on the contact link at the top of the page. I will reply to you as soon as I can.

In 2020 during the first wave of the pandemic I was in the last few months of four years of study and looking forward to finishing my Counselling Diploma and qualifying. Then the unbelievable happened; overnight we were not allowed to leave our homes and me and many others in education wondered how on earth we were going to complete our courses.

How was I going to accumulate the last 50 hours of client work required to become a counsellor?

How was I going to complete the remaining study sessions by the end of May?

Although I knew I could delay for another year, the thought filled me with disappointment and desperation.

It soon became apparent this wasn’t going to be a short term situation and contingency plans were soon put in to action. Weekly lessons would be online, but there was still no plan for client work to resume in any form. I remember feeling very worried until our examining board gave the go ahead to counsel clients via online video link.

This didn’t really sit that well with me, however, I was prepared to give it a try. I did some brief training on how to set up a video link e.g. Zoom/Teams and away I went.

Very few of my original clients wanted to be counselled in this way, a few wanted telephone counselling but most wanted to wait until face to face counselling started again (little did we know that wasn’t going to be until a long time later). Eventually we started to come to terms that online or telephone counselling was going to be the options whether we liked it or not.

I remember the feeling of apprehension and anxiety when I counselled my first client online. Waiting patiently whilst they tried to connect ‘can you hear me? can you see me?’ Both of us pressing different buttons and making things disappear or muting ourselves by accident, such good fun!

Eventually things became smoother and we started to get the hang of it, and I think the sessions worked quite well, except for the slight lag in speech which meant we talked over each other ‘sorry you go first’, ‘ no it’s ok, after you.’ We were so polite.

I did counsel a few clients by telephone, but this wasn’t my ‘cup of tea’ I found it difficult not knowing what they looked like or seeing their facial expressions. I was also highly aware that on the telephone we can lose our inhibitions and disclose more than we intended. I could also never be sure that the client was alone and not being overheard, and felt confidentiality could have been compromised; not to mention some clients dash for the front door when parcels were being delivered and my own dog barking in the background when deliveries were being made to my home.

I managed to complete my client hours online, and later that year enrolled on a level 5 Diploma in Counselling for Trauma with the agency http://www.newpathways.org.uk/

( a specialist counselling and advocacy services for women, men, children and young people who have been affected by rape or sexual abuse) which was also completed entirely online. I enjoyed doing this from the comfort of my own home, not having to go out on cold rainy days, but I did miss the human contact of my fellow students. However, we got to know each other well online and met up when Covid-19 restrictions were lifted.

Eventually, last year I started my own private counselling practice in Blackwood and offered face to face counselling. I remember feeling quite apprehensive about seeing clients in the flesh after so long, but after my first session I could feel myself easing back in to ‘the zone.’ For me it’s important that I see my clients subtle movements which may indicate distress, something which is more difficult on line. I also find the screen a barrier between me and my client and anyone else I’m talking to online. However, I appreciate that some clients may find it easier to open up in the safety of their own home and it may be better for those who don’t want anyone else to know they are having counselling. Clients with mobility issues may find it more convenient, although at my own counselling room https://www.blackwoodwellbeingcentre.com/ is ground level access.

Clients who are afraid to leave the house can also benefit from online counselling and it can be the first step to recovering by having some sessions online, gradually leaving their home for face to face sessions as a form of exposure for their fears.

As my colleague Kathy at https://www.blackwoodwellbeingcentre.com/ says ‘there’s something about having to get up, get showered and dressed and out to face the world that does me a power of good.’ I have to agree; on my down days (yes counsellors have them too) having my routine of going out is hugely beneficial to my sense of wellbeing.

Summing up, I feel there is a place for both online and face to face counselling. We will all have our preference as ‘one size’ definitely does NOT fit all in therapy or any other area of life.

If you feel you would like online or face to face therapy I am happy to provide either or a mix of the two.

Make that first step…. or maybe it’s a leap and contact me via the contact button above. I may not be able to answer straight away, but if you leave a message I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m free.

Many people wonder what goes on in a therapy session and how it works; and it’s not like in the films! In this blog I will try to explain and reassure that although it can seem mysterious, it is about two people sat in a room; me the counsellor and the other, the client who is experiencing some kind of distress in their life.

After someone has made contact with me either through email or phone call, I arrange a time and day that is suitable to both of us. Before the appointment, I send directions to my counselling room in Blackwood and details of how to pay and am always happy to answer any questions that may arise before our first session. The day comes, you reach my counselling room in Blackwood full of trepidation and anticipation, maybe wondering how you are going to speak to this person you’ve never met before. You press the intercom for my room, I answer and come to the door to meet you. Once you are settled comfortably in my counselling room, the first thing I do is to explain that whatever you tell me is in confidence, although there are limits to that confidence, which I would explain further. Once this has been completed the work of counselling commences.

People come to counselling for many reasons; anxiety, panic attacks, health anxiety, relationship and work problems, bereavement, anything that is making them feel depressed, unhappy and sometimes frozen with fear.

The problem could be big or small but the important thing is to have the chance to speak out loud about what is causing the anxiety, distress and unhappiness, without fear of being judged, made to feel silly or shut down. In some ways counselling is mysterious in the way it works; the client and counsellor look for clues about what is going on and maybe look at patterns from the past that are still being repeated and affecting them now. It’s a wonderful moment when a client discovers a different perspective and understanding about their problem and even more wonderful is the realisation that by talking, they have discovered their own answers.

People often ask ‘will counselling change the way I feel?’ There is no certainty but many people report feeling lighter after their first session. They also report feeling energised or even exhausted; hard work is in progress and it can be overwhelming at times. Counselling is a process and being committed to attending sessions on a weekly basis at first, seems to produce the best results. If you find yourself feeling reluctant to attend your sessions, it’s important to ask yourself why? Are painful feelings being discussed, are things moving too quickly? If you feel this, don’t be afraid to discuss these feelings with your counsellor

When we are in pain, physical or mental, we want to make things better for ourselves as soon as possible. Change can be painful and progress slow, as humans we tend to stay with the familiar even if it is no longer serving us. Progress can be difficult to measure on a weekly basis, I find it’s best reflected on after several sessions and comparing how you feel now to how you felt in your first session. Attending counselling is a time to be patient and gentle with yourself whilst you build new foundations, which will hopefully lead to a better understanding of yourself, and help you live the life you want.

I hope this explains and reassures you about the ‘mystery of the counselling session.‘ Yes, you may feel apprehensive and a bit scared before the first session, that’s natural. Please be assured that you will receive a warm welcome and that I will help you to feel at ease.

Counselling could be an investment in your future self, so if you are ready to take that first step, or maybe it’s a leap click on the Contact Me button at the top of the page. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

I look forward to meeting you.

Have you been thinking about seeking counselling and resisting the idea? There may be many reasons stopping you:

“I should be able to sort this out for myself, do I really need help? “

“I have friends and family to talk to.”

“I feel too ashamed to admit I need help, people will think I’m weak.”

“The counsellor will think I’m crazy if I tell them what’s been going through my mind.” “My worries aren’t big enough to seek counselling, the counsellor will think I’m a time waster”

…and many, many more unhelpful thoughts in an attempt to talk yourself out of it.

These are all normal thoughts most people have; I hope I can lessen your fears by answering the questions above.

“I should be able to sort this out for myself, do I really need help?”

A lot of the time it is possible to ‘sort things out’ however, sometimes we can become so overwhelmed with a problem or fear that we go around in circles trying to reassure ourselves or asking others for reassurance, yet never finding a satisfactory answer.

“I have friends and family to talk to”

Friends/family can be a great support, but because they can’t stand to see their friends or family suffering, it can result in a tendency to give advice and even passing judgement on the situation.

“what do you have to be anxious/depressed about?”

“you need to get a grip, there’s much worse off than you”

These questions, although an attempt to shake the person out of their mood, can have the effect of creating shame and guilt about how they are feeling and the thought that they shouldn’t be feeling like this. This may lead to feelings of isolation and a habit of keeping problems to ourselves….not good. The dam usually bursts at some point.

“I feel too ashamed to admit I need help, people will think I’m weak.

It most certainly is not a sign of weakness to seek help from an outside source, such as a counsellor. Admitting you want help is a sign that your problems and fears are about to overflow and that you have recognised your needs.

“The counsellor will think I’m crazy if I tell them what’s been going through my mind.”

Your counsellor will not think you are crazy. We have been trained to listen without judgement. You will be able to talk about whatever you want in confidence and without fear of being overheard.

“My worries aren’t big enough to seek counselling, the counsellor will think I’m a time waster”

You may believe your problems aren’t big enough, surely it’s better to seek help early before things blow up and become unmanageable? As a counsellor I am always happy to listen to you however large or small your worries are.

Although the first session may feel awkward, after all, you are talking to a stranger about your deepest thoughts; as we build the counselling relationship it will feel more relaxed and natural to talk. Counselling is not an overnight cure, generally clients report feeling a lot lighter after their first session and are relieved they have made the first step.

In a nutshell, if any of what you’ve read resonates and you feel ready for change, why not send me a message or give me a call via the Contact Me button at the top of this page. My counselling room is in easy reach of Newport, Ebbw Vale, Merthyr Tydfil, Caerphilly and surrounding areas.