Category: Uncategorized

Grief and Healing

Finding a way through loss

Grief is one of the most painful human experiences; sadly, it is often met with discomfort and impatience in a society that moves quickly.  Friends and family don’t always know how to help, and sometimes they unintentionally cause harm. Grief is a process that needs time, space, and compassion.

Grief has many faces

Grief is often associated with the loss of a loved one, but there are other events where we grieve. We also grieve the loss of a job, lost relationships, missed opportunities, changes in health, or even shifts in identity. Any significant change can bring about grief; we may not realise or understand what we are feeling, which can lead to anxiety and depression. Grief does not follow a straight road. It ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting us unexpectedly, sometimes many years after. There are many theories about the process of grief, eg. — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—offer a framework, however, real-life grief is far more complex. You may cycle through these stages multiple times, skip some entirely, or experience them in a different order. Before the 1990’s it was thought that grief needed to be worked through and that people who were able to distract themselves were in denial and would suffer the consequences later on. However, it was noticed that some grieve differently and that some do not need a long period to process grief. Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut noticed these differences and developed the Dual Process Model of Grief and Loss.

Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve

One of the biggest challenges in grieving is feeling as though we must “move on” quickly. The world doesn’t pause for our pain, and pressure from family and friend often make people feel guilty for grieving too long. Grief doesn’t come with a deadline. It is okay to feel sadness, anxiety, and depression weeks, months, or even years after a loss. Remember, no matter how long or short the period of grief is, it is your experience, and there is no need to compare yourself with others.

Self-compassion is key. Allow yourself to experience grief without judgment. This may be taking a day off to reflect, journaling about your feelings, or talking to someone who understands, who won’t give unasked-for advice.

Coping Strategies for Grief

Acknowledge Your Feelings – Try not to avoid grief. Give yourself permission to feel without pushing your emotions away.

Seek Support – Connecting with others who understand, whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, can help alleviate isolation.

Engage in Rituals – Creating personal rituals, such as lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or writing a letter to what was lost, can give comfort.

Make time for yourself. Grief is emotionally and physically draining. Even though you may find it difficult to eat or exercise, try to eat regularly and have some time in the fresh air.

Set Boundaries – You don’t have to say yes to activities that feel overwhelming. You don’t have to say yes to every visitor unless that’s what you want. You may want to ask people to send a message before they visit., This gives you time to decide if you are ready to see them.

When to seek help

While grief is natural, sometimes it becomes overwhelming and leads to prolonged anxiety and depression. If you find that your grief is interfering with daily life, causing persistent feelings of hopelessness, or leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms, you may want to seek professional help like counselling. Talking to someone who is neither family nor a friend can be a great relief.  It is wise to seek a counsellor who has  undertaken bereavement training with an organisation like Cruse Bereavement Support https://www.cruse.org.uk/. Their website provides lots of support in understanding grief.

Moving Forward with Grief

Healing does not mean forgetting or letting go. Grief never goes away, but your life grows around it in a way that allows you to continue living meaningfully whilst never forgetting what you have lost. There can be no doubt that grief changes us, but it also reminds us of the depth of our connections and the love that will always be there.

If you are grieving, please know that you are not alone. Your pain is valid, your process is unique, and your healing will unfold in its own time. Be gentle with yourself, and allow space for both sorrow and hope to coexist.

Reading suggestion

Wilson, J. (2020) The Plain Guide to Grief. York.

This is a very good book that explains in plain language what you can expect in the weeks, months and years after loss.  It also explains the loss of a loved one during Covid-19.

Chapters 6 and 7 address the life changing illness/surgery and grieving other losses.

Loss of career, a pet, health, friendship, relationship break up, retirement.

It also explains the different models of grief.

The following websites have lots of information about grief and loss.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/about-bereavement/

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/

If you would like to book an appointment with me or ask for more information. Please contact me via email or phone. Click on ‘Contact Me’ underneath this blog

Everyone has intrusive thoughts, and anyone who says they don’t is fibbing. The difference is that, for most people, they are passing thoughts. But when people like you and I have intrusive thoughts, it feels very different, because they constantly repeat and we ruminate upon them, and they become stuck in our minds. Some of us have sticky minds. It’s thought that this stickiness can run in families.  So if our parents are the anxious types (through no fault of their own), this could rub off on you.

Types of Intrusive Thoughts

A lot of people find it helpful to have a list of possible types of thoughts, but the reality is that we can have an upsetting, sticky thought about anything. I couldn’t list them all; they are infinite, but I’ve listed a few common examples below.

Fears around health, your own or someone else’s

Fear of harm to your children

Fear you will hurt someone, or yourself

Fear of dying

Fear of the world ending

Fear that you are losing your mind

I feel one of the main drivers of these thoughts is our intolerance of uncertainty.  We want to know for sure that everything will be ok, but none of us can ever know with 100% certainty that bad things won’t happen to us

What happens is that seemingly out of the blue we are struck by a horrible thought. The thought is accompanied by a ‘whoosh’ of anxiety, which is called ‘first fear’, a term used by Claire Weekes (1969), which is an automatic response to perceived danger. Generally, when we realise there is no danger, eg. a loud bang was just a pile of books toppling onto the floor, our nervous system quickly calms down. Sometimes an intrusive thought can blind side us. We may feel bewildered about where it’s come from and start to add extra panic about what the thought means about the type of person we are. This is know as second fear. Fear of the fear.

We all have worrying, sometimes horrible thoughts on occasion, but on the whole, we are able to put them to one side and not obsess about them. You can safely say that any thought that is accompanied by a whoosh of fear, panic, or anxiety is an intrusive thought, which can lead to constant rumination.  Remember, if the thought is accompanied by panic, this tells you it’s an intrusive thought. You may feel upset and confused because the harder you try to get rid of the thought, the harder it bounces back. Which results in feeling more upset and confused about what’s happening to you.

Just because this thought keeps coming back, it does not mean it’s important or trying to tell you something. Neither do hearing snatched conversations such as ‘she didn’t go to the doctor, now she only has months to live’ have any bearing on your situation. Thoughts that are sticky and repeat are not important.

You have probably been trying to fight the thoughts and trying to conclusively decide which thought is the right one eg, do I love him, don’t I love him?’’ Over and over until you feel confused and consumed by the thought.

There is no need to fight these thoughts or try to convince yourself about which one is true.

How to deal with the thoughts

Exposure to the thoughts is thought to be the best way, but there is a certain way to do it and it’s best to do it with an experienced counsellor.

Recognise the thought

‘What if I don’t love my partner, and I’m living a lie?  You can say to yourself, ‘ This is just an intrusive thought. I know this because it feels so awful.’ Observe what you are feeling. Instead of pushing the thought/feelings away. You could say something like ‘wait a second, here’s that intrusive thought again.’ Remember, none of us can ever be sure that a thought is 100 percent true or false, and even 99 percent certainty won’t be enough certainty for you. We can never have total certainty about anything, except, like that old saying, ‘ the only certainty in life is death and taxes.’

Just thoughts 

When the thought pops up, notice it and say to yourself, I notice I’m having that thought again, but I’m not going to argue with it. You’ll probably feel anxiety kick in, and you need to accept this.  You may then feel afraid of that fear, which leads to fear of the fear, because fear feels horrible, and naturally, you don’t want it.  This is the part most people find tricky. Instead of pushing it away, maybe by repeating positive thoughts to yourself. Just go with the feeling, tell it to do whatever it wants, you aren’t going to argue with it, it will start to dissipate.  Remember, your anxious mind will do anything to keep you safe, but anxiety is not dangerous and will not hurt you, and does not mean the thought is something you need to pay heed to. 

Try to go towards the thought instead of pushing it away, and let yourself loosen towards it. Breathe normally. If you notice you are taking shallow breaths, then slow your breathing down.

Accept  

The thought has popped up. Don’t try to push it away;  don’t forget that it might keep popping up. Remember to say, ‘these are just thoughts, I’m not going to try to prove if they are true or false, this makes things worse.  I’m just going to allow them to be there.’  It sounds counterproductive, but your anxious mind wants to be comforted, and when you comfort it, it wants more of the same. Try not to engage with the part of the brain that wants reassurance.  It will work for a short time, but will keep needing more reassurance. Allow the feelings to stay and refocus on whatever you were doing. Work, exercise, whatever. The thought will probably keep popping up, so just keep following the previous steps. Watch what is going on, instead of engaging.

Let the time pass 

Don’t try to rush it away. Although you want it gone, there is no need to hurry. Don’t keep checking to see if it’s gone. You can tolerate the discomfort. Every time the thought comes back, acknowledge it’s there and refocus on what you were doing. Try to slow things down so as not to activate your flight, fight response. Even when you are having thoughts, keep doing what you were doing before, even if you feel very anxious, shaky, sick etc. You won’t come to any harm, you’ll just feel awful.

You can just say something like

I’ve had these thoughts many times before; they don’t mean anything, and I can carry on without trying to convince myself if they are true or not. I can never have 100 percent certainty in anything in my life. Nobody can.’

The Cure

This is not a cure, but there is good news. As with everything, the more you practice, the better you get. Sometimes, anxious, intrusive thoughts will latch onto something else, and you’ll wonder why you were worrying about the previous thought. Sometimes the thoughts will go away for a long time, then return, taking you unaware. Your stomach may flip, and the anxiety may jump in before you have a chance to think. The difference is, this time you will know what to do to get back on track.

This is just a short article to explain the basics of what’s happening to you.

There are many good books and articles about intrusive thoughts. I’ve listed a few below.

If you feel you’d like help with any of the things I’ve written about. Please feel free to contact me via my email or contact number on my website.

watkinsmary388@gmail.com 

Reading list: 

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts  – Winston & Seiff

Anxiety Panicking about Panic – Joshua Fletcher

Podcast –  Disordered Anxiety with Joshua Fletcher and Drew Linsalata

https://open.spotify.com/show/6t3lS8pB0XK9OyErfXS5aJ?si=973eabeef931460c

Anxiety, Depression and the Dark Side of ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’

 ‘Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely!’  (How the Grinch Stole Christmas).

I don’t want to  sound like The Grinch or Ebenezer Scrooge but as my friends and family know, I’m not a fan of Christmas. ‘Bah! Humbug!’ If you have similar feelings.   I want to let you know there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s entirely natural and normal not to feel excited at the thought of the coming festivities.

I’m not a complete curmudgeon. I do enjoy having a Christmas tree and a few decorations around  (but not too early)  It seems to me, and I know I am not alone, that the Christmas build up seems to be getting earlier every year, with lights and decorations being put up when Halloween is barely over (Halloween! That’s a story for another day).  From the beginning of November, maybe earlier, the aisles of the supermarkets are filled with booze and chocolates. 

For some of us, this can spark anxious feelings or highlight that we are depressed and that we don’t feel we are part of this frenzied excitement. We may dread Christmas for many reasons; some of us have been bereaved, a relationship may have broken down. Maybe some are in danger of losing their jobs and are wondering where they’ll find the money for the extra expense of Christmas food, presents for children and wider family.

All of this can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression; Christmas can make us feel more cut off from everyone.  We might have social anxiety which is made worse by the thought of having to socialise with people we only meet at holiday times.  Some of us just enjoy our own company and the thought of having to be with lots of others fills us with horror.  

This time of the year can throw things into sharp focus. It may be the first year your adult children aren’t coming for lunch. In the case of parents separation, it may not be your day for having the children over or there may be squabbles over who they will be with. All of this can add to the pressure of trying to have the perfect Christmas, which doesn’t actually exist.  There may be those around you telling you not to be so miserable, ‘it’s Christmas!’ which can bring about feelings of shame and guilt because you are unable to muster up the same enthusiasm. 

On a serious note; families being cooped up for this extended time can start to feel irritable with each other. Old grievances come up  and rows break out.   The alcohol flows which can make domestic violence worse. Over imbibing  can also contribute to feelings of anxiety and regret the morning after.

It can be particularly difficult if you are experiencing loss of any kind. You may feel you want to spend the day alone, which naturally friends and family will be unhappy about. Maybe compromise and say you’ll call in for lunch but will go home when you feel you need to. Although, if you want to be alone for the day it’s absolutely ok to do what suits you. This is about your feelings.

 Remember, you have the right to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do. If you feel you need a break from the crowd for any reason, you have the right to step out for as long as you need without justifying yourself.  If you want to just go away somewhere and not celebrate Christmas, then be damned and do it. I know that’s not easy to do, so I’ve posted some links on learning how to say ‘no’. Ditch the guilt about dreading Christmas. 

There are so many expectations put upon us. That we’ll entertain guests, accept invites; Christmas can be especially gruelling for the person who prepares the dinner;  sits  down for 5 minutes to eat it, fakes a happy smile and mutters ‘merry christmas’  through gritted teeth whilst the rest of the family enjoy themselves and disappear when it’s time to clear away the debris. Vowing they will never host another Christmas (but they always do).

Then comes Boxing Day, when we realise how much we’ve spent on everything and how much food is left over. The baubles are dropping off the Christmas tree, there’s wrapping paper screwed up in the bin and the dog has been sick by the back door from all the naughty treats passed to him under the table the day before.

The Christmas season is never going to go away, but there are ways of making things more manageable. Some of our friends and family will want to keep things the way they’ve always been, possibly because they aren’t willing to take on the mantle of being responsible for organising the festivities; but everything changes and now maybe the time to talk about new traditions. These new traditions can be whatever you want them to be, but make sure they don’t include you cooking, unless of course you want to…it’s your choice.

With regard to spending, maybe make a conscious decision not to go overboard with food and presents.  Forward plan what you will actually need and want, so you don’t get so much of the post Christmas regret at having spent so much and the anxiety about the credit card bill in January. Naturally put some luxuries in, they don’t have to be too expensive. Take away the agony of writing Christmas cards to everyone (they probably won’t notice anyway) and give the money you would have spent  to a charity instead.

I realise that Christmas can be a cause for celebration and that many enjoy all of it, especially with children. But, is there really a need to give presents to everyone and their dog? Last year I saw a video of Martyn Lewis the Money Man,  about giving presents which totally put things into perspective for me.  I’ve posted the you tube link below. Again, if you want to give lots of presents that’s your choice too. 

Maybe you just feel too exhausted, burnt out and depressed to drag the decorations out of the attic! Perhaps you feel you’d like to crawl into the attic and hide with the decorations until it’s all over 

(I’ll join you. No mince pies, mind).

I’m sure there’s lots more I could write about.  I’ve added some links below that might be helpful. None of this blog is meant to tell anyone what they should or should not do. We all have our own thoughts and ideas. These are mine, I hope you enjoy reading and that they give you something to think about.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202407/how-to-say-no-without-feeling-guilty

Martin Lewis’ Christmas Message In 2018 [14-11-2023]

https://happiful.com/5-ways-to-resist-overconsumption-and-create-your-own-perfect-version-of-christmas

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christmas-and-mental-health/why-christmas-is-hard/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/coping-with-depression-and-anxiety-at-christmas/

Health Anxiety

Worrying about your health can be a horrible experience, especially when you’ve been back and fore the doctor trying to find out what’s wrong with you, to no avail. Eventually your doctor gets fed up, and unfortunately you can end up with the horrible label of hypochondriac, which means you are excessively worried that you have a serious illness, even though you’ve had multiple doctors visits and tests that show nothing is wrong . You can feel friends and family becoming irritable with you when you keep asking for reassurance that your symptoms aren’t serious. Other sufferers, are too frightened to go to their doctor incase their worst fears are confirmed ,that they do indeed have a serious illness. Everyone has worries about their health, but with hypochondria, which is now known as Health Anxiety, the worries become  so overwhelming, that some sufferers ( and it is suffering ) are unable to enjoy their lives.  

The Lived Experience of health anxiety

This is a description of the lived experience of someone with health anxiety, as told to me.

 “Many years ago, when I was around 27, at the time of the first Gulf war there was a campaign asking for blood donations to make sure there was enough for the wounded. My work colleagues and I decided we’d donate blood.  On the day we had planned to go, one of my colleagues mentioned that our blood would be tested for diseases .  The thought that I might have something wrong with me suddenly hit me for the first time in my life and I could feel anxiety and panic building up inside me. I’d never experienced anything so frightening in my life. I started to feel sick, dizzy and as if I wanted to run. 

I mumbled something about not feeling well, left work and went home.  I didn’t realise at the time that these were symptoms of anxiety,  or that these feelings were going to plague me for sometime to come. 

I tried desperately to shake the anxiety off and to convince myself there was nothing wrong with me, but nothing worked.  Friends and family couldn’t understand what I was going through, and told me to stop spoiling my life and why couldn’t I see that life was a wonderful thing.   Of course I knew these things and would have done anything to get rid of the absolute terror I felt. My thoughts had become intrusive and I didn’t know how to stop them. I felt so alone and didn’t know what I could do.  I didn’t want to see my doctor, incase they suggested blood tests which I was sure would turn up some fatal disease. I also felt tremendous guilt and shame that I felt like this, when there were people I knew who were dying of cancer. 

 I didn’t want to get up in the mornings because I felt so sick and frightened.  I avoided anything to do with illness. I couldn’t watch any TV where there was a medical storyline. Eventually over the months the fear started to wane and I started to forget my dreadful fears. I couldn’t believe how I could have been so caught up in this fear.  I thought that was the end of it; but it wasn’t. Ten years later towards the end of my 30s the intrusive thoughts started to rear up again. I realised I wasn’t far off 40 and that I was probably half way through my life if not more. I started to think about how the possibility of serious illness was becoming more likely, and once again I was in the spiral of health anxiety. 

This continued off and on for several years, with me googling my symptoms, then reading things that sometimes relieved my anxiety but sometimes made it a lot worse. Then having to go back and check that what I’d read was right. I did this multiple times which severely impacted my life. I could go on about all the things I experienced,  but I’d need to write a book to tell the whole story of my health anxiety.  

At some point I realised this couldn’t go on and I started to read information on how to deal with my anxieties.  I also sought counselling.  Counselling wasn’t easy, in-fact, it was hard work, but it helped me to face my fears and to start dealing with them in a different way. I started to understand how the cycle of anxiety was driving my fears and keeping me stuck.  Counselling also help me to realise that I wasn’t being selfish or a bad person for feeling this way when there were people around me who were genuinely ill. I’d been told by others that I needed to ‘get a grip’ and that I was weak to be thinking like this. They couldn’t understand that I did not want to feel this way.  Health anxiety will always be a part of my life, but I have so much more understanding about it, it doesn’t hang around for too long.”

This might sound like an overly dramatic description of this condition, but sadly it isn’t.

One of the things I’m told by people is the overwhelming feeling of shame and feeling so alone; the judgement of others and the feeling that there is no way out. Health anxiety and other anxieties are often caused by our inability to live with uncertainty.  We need to know for sure that there is nothing wrong with us, but we can never have 100% certainty about anything in our lives.  We take lots of risks every day without thinking about it too much. We step outside the front door without too much concern about what might happen to us on the way to work.

What causes Health Anxiety?

Health anxiety can seemingly appear out of nowhere, but there is usually a trigger that starts it off. It can be the grief and bereavement of losing someone you love, even years after the event.  Significant life events such as getting married, ‘big’ birthdays like 30, 40 etc. can cause you to reflect on your life, which may bring about feelings of anxiety.

Counselling can help

There is a way out, counselling can help you with this.  I know it’s not easy to ask for help and the first step is the hardest, but take that step, or maybe it’s a giant leap; begin the journey to feeling better.

If you’d like to book an initial session, please contact me via the details on this website.

What is It?

The idea was first researched in 1978 by two psychologists Dr Pauline R Clance and Dr Suzanne A Imes.  Based on their research they found it to be more common in women.  More recent research has found it to be equally spread between the sexes; up to 70% of us will feel it at some time in some situations. 

It’s a feeling that if we’ve achieved something it couldn’t have been that hard and we must have had good luck or help. We tend to discount the hard work we’ve done.  It can wax and wane depending on our life circumstances.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes, when we take on something new, maybe at work. Maybe, our first thought is ‘who me? I can’t do that, what do I know?’ We may feel slightly sick and anxious and have  thoughts like ‘oh no, if I do this everyone will see me as a fraud and think I’m getting above my station.’

How can we recognise it? Are there triggers?

When we start to compare ourselves with others and start to look at taking more qualifications in our chosen field, even though it doesn’t make us better at our jobs. Although this is not always a bad thing we need to ask ourselves why we are doing it? Is it fear of not knowing everything; maybe doubt that the talents and qualifications we already have are not enough? Then we hear the negative inner voice that starts telling us, ‘you don’t deserve this, you don’t belong here, wait until people find out who you really are.’

External Influences, where does it originate?

 In counselling we talk about ‘conditions of worth’ which we all pick up from the day we are born. These ‘conditions of worth’ are things we are told such as, ‘be good, do well at school, make us proud, work hard.’ Our parents might unintentionally compare us to other children who are on a higher reading book or are doing better in their spelling or maths tests. This can lead us to think that we are only worthy if we achieve, and that we are not worthy if we fail, or don’t know everything. We tend to hold success as a value and if we aren’t ‘on top of our game’ imposter syndrome can start to creep in and undermine us.

Social media can also impact us, if we start comparing ourselves to others who are in the same field and feel that they are doing better than us, this can bring about lack of self belief, and confidence.

Might be better to wish them well and remember there is room enough for us all.

Who is more susceptible to Imposter Syndrome

Those of us with perfectionist tendencies seem to be more susceptible because we tend to pressure ourselves to do everything perfectly . Those with IS tend to be very successful, well qualified  and well thought of but often feel that they aren’t as good as others think and that it’s only a matter of time before they are found out, any failure can feel crushing.

How limiting can this be if left unchecked?

This can limit our lives, as we may feel scared to be visible in case we are criticised or that others think we have ideas ‘above our station.’ There is also the fear that if we are successful we won’t be able to cope with the extra responsibility, that we may get overwhelmed or that we just aren’t good enough; impostor syndrome might tell you that you have no right to put yourself out there. That you don’t belong in that job, or with that group of people.  All of this can lead to perfectionism and procrastination.

We need to be aware of how the pressure to succeed can affect our physical and mental health. There is a link between imposter syndrome and burnout, as those with imposter syndrome try to do everything perfectly; we book ourselves on more courses, buy more books that we never get the chance to read, in order to be the expert on what we are doing, incase someone asks us something we don’t know and uncovers us as the fraud we ‘know’ we are.

 Personal boundaries are very important, making time for work and your personal life is important so that we don’t burn out. This can mean simple things like not answering work related emails, messages before or after a certain time. Taking regular time off and not using it to do work. 

Don’t ignore feelings of being overwhelmed, it’s a sign that you are taking on too much, and that’s when imposter syndrome can really start to get a grip, by telling you how useless, lazy, inept you are, and that others can cope, so what is wrong with you?

What can we do about it? How do we get over the fact that everything doesn’t have to be perfect? Can we change our mindset regarding imposter syndrome?

I’m not sure we can ever completely rid ourselves of imposter but we can change our mindset on how we feel about it.  The first step is recognising when we are having the thoughts of being a fraud, and to remember that almost everyone will have those moments of self doubt. It’s part of being human.  

How do we know when the need to continually learn is problematic?

There is a term known as ‘shiny object syndrome’ where we go off track because we are attracted by something that looks new and exciting and we just have to find out more about it, regardless of all the other shiny things we have on the go, resulting in lots of unfinished projects which can then lead to feeling unworthy because we start to feel overwhelmed, lazy and inept again.

Although self development is important we need to make sure it doesn’t get mixed up with our self-worth; that we are not doing it just to feel better about ourselves.

A good way to decide whether you really need to do this new thing is to note it (ideas notebook etc) and then ponder it for a few days, or even a week. Think about why you want to do this new thing, what benefit will it give to you and your life?  Choose one thing at a time, try not to overwhelm yourself with lots of shiny objects. Have a look at your old unfinished stuff and choose one to complete.  Decide whether it’s worth your time, and if not put it away and focus on something that is worth your time, or maybe even put all the shiny objects away for a set time to put some  perspective and balance back into your life. Learning is wonderful, but always have a look at your reasons for doing it.

Supporting and helping others and self

Notice when you or others are taking on too many things.  Leaving things unfinished, talking themselves and their achievements down. Remember to validate your own and others’ achievements. Remind each other of the successes of the past.  Remember to sit back, take some time to congratulate yourself, accept yourself as human and remember how hard you’ve worked and that you are deserving of your success.

A counsellor can work with you on these thoughts. To see it for what it is, that nagging critical inner voice from childhood telling us we’re not good enough. Imposter syndrome can cripple us and stop us from reaching our potential.

If you would like more information about counselling, please click on the contact link at the top of the page. I will reply to you as soon as I can.

In 2020 during the first wave of the pandemic I was in the last few months of four years of study and looking forward to finishing my Counselling Diploma and qualifying. Then the unbelievable happened; overnight we were not allowed to leave our homes and me and many others in education wondered how on earth we were going to complete our courses.

How was I going to accumulate the last 50 hours of client work required to become a counsellor?

How was I going to complete the remaining study sessions by the end of May?

Although I knew I could delay for another year, the thought filled me with disappointment and desperation.

It soon became apparent this wasn’t going to be a short term situation and contingency plans were soon put in to action. Weekly lessons would be online, but there was still no plan for client work to resume in any form. I remember feeling very worried until our examining board gave the go ahead to counsel clients via online video link.

This didn’t really sit that well with me, however, I was prepared to give it a try. I did some brief training on how to set up a video link e.g. Zoom/Teams and away I went.

Very few of my original clients wanted to be counselled in this way, a few wanted telephone counselling but most wanted to wait until face to face counselling started again (little did we know that wasn’t going to be until a long time later). Eventually we started to come to terms that online or telephone counselling was going to be the options whether we liked it or not.

I remember the feeling of apprehension and anxiety when I counselled my first client online. Waiting patiently whilst they tried to connect ‘can you hear me? can you see me?’ Both of us pressing different buttons and making things disappear or muting ourselves by accident, such good fun!

Eventually things became smoother and we started to get the hang of it, and I think the sessions worked quite well, except for the slight lag in speech which meant we talked over each other ‘sorry you go first’, ‘ no it’s ok, after you.’ We were so polite.

I did counsel a few clients by telephone, but this wasn’t my ‘cup of tea’ I found it difficult not knowing what they looked like or seeing their facial expressions. I was also highly aware that on the telephone we can lose our inhibitions and disclose more than we intended. I could also never be sure that the client was alone and not being overheard, and felt confidentiality could have been compromised; not to mention some clients dash for the front door when parcels were being delivered and my own dog barking in the background when deliveries were being made to my home.

I managed to complete my client hours online, and later that year enrolled on a level 5 Diploma in Counselling for Trauma with the agency http://www.newpathways.org.uk/

( a specialist counselling and advocacy services for women, men, children and young people who have been affected by rape or sexual abuse) which was also completed entirely online. I enjoyed doing this from the comfort of my own home, not having to go out on cold rainy days, but I did miss the human contact of my fellow students. However, we got to know each other well online and met up when Covid-19 restrictions were lifted.

Eventually, last year I started my own private counselling practice in Blackwood and offered face to face counselling. I remember feeling quite apprehensive about seeing clients in the flesh after so long, but after my first session I could feel myself easing back in to ‘the zone.’ For me it’s important that I see my clients subtle movements which may indicate distress, something which is more difficult on line. I also find the screen a barrier between me and my client and anyone else I’m talking to online. However, I appreciate that some clients may find it easier to open up in the safety of their own home and it may be better for those who don’t want anyone else to know they are having counselling. Clients with mobility issues may find it more convenient, although at my own counselling room https://www.blackwoodwellbeingcentre.com/ is ground level access.

Clients who are afraid to leave the house can also benefit from online counselling and it can be the first step to recovering by having some sessions online, gradually leaving their home for face to face sessions as a form of exposure for their fears.

As my colleague Kathy at https://www.blackwoodwellbeingcentre.com/ says ‘there’s something about having to get up, get showered and dressed and out to face the world that does me a power of good.’ I have to agree; on my down days (yes counsellors have them too) having my routine of going out is hugely beneficial to my sense of wellbeing.

Summing up, I feel there is a place for both online and face to face counselling. We will all have our preference as ‘one size’ definitely does NOT fit all in therapy or any other area of life.

If you feel you would like online or face to face therapy I am happy to provide either or a mix of the two.

Make that first step…. or maybe it’s a leap and contact me via the contact button above. I may not be able to answer straight away, but if you leave a message I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m free.

Many people wonder what goes on in a therapy session and how it works; and it’s not like in the films! In this blog I will try to explain and reassure that although it can seem mysterious, it is about two people sat in a room; me the counsellor and the other, the client who is experiencing some kind of distress in their life.

After someone has made contact with me either through email or phone call, I arrange a time and day that is suitable to both of us. Before the appointment, I send directions to my counselling room in Blackwood and details of how to pay and am always happy to answer any questions that may arise before our first session. The day comes, you reach my counselling room in Blackwood full of trepidation and anticipation, maybe wondering how you are going to speak to this person you’ve never met before. You press the intercom for my room, I answer and come to the door to meet you. Once you are settled comfortably in my counselling room, the first thing I do is to explain that whatever you tell me is in confidence, although there are limits to that confidence, which I would explain further. Once this has been completed the work of counselling commences.

People come to counselling for many reasons; anxiety, panic attacks, health anxiety, relationship and work problems, bereavement, anything that is making them feel depressed, unhappy and sometimes frozen with fear.

The problem could be big or small but the important thing is to have the chance to speak out loud about what is causing the anxiety, distress and unhappiness, without fear of being judged, made to feel silly or shut down. In some ways counselling is mysterious in the way it works; the client and counsellor look for clues about what is going on and maybe look at patterns from the past that are still being repeated and affecting them now. It’s a wonderful moment when a client discovers a different perspective and understanding about their problem and even more wonderful is the realisation that by talking, they have discovered their own answers.

People often ask ‘will counselling change the way I feel?’ There is no certainty but many people report feeling lighter after their first session. They also report feeling energised or even exhausted; hard work is in progress and it can be overwhelming at times. Counselling is a process and being committed to attending sessions on a weekly basis at first, seems to produce the best results. If you find yourself feeling reluctant to attend your sessions, it’s important to ask yourself why? Are painful feelings being discussed, are things moving too quickly? If you feel this, don’t be afraid to discuss these feelings with your counsellor

When we are in pain, physical or mental, we want to make things better for ourselves as soon as possible. Change can be painful and progress slow, as humans we tend to stay with the familiar even if it is no longer serving us. Progress can be difficult to measure on a weekly basis, I find it’s best reflected on after several sessions and comparing how you feel now to how you felt in your first session. Attending counselling is a time to be patient and gentle with yourself whilst you build new foundations, which will hopefully lead to a better understanding of yourself, and help you live the life you want.

I hope this explains and reassures you about the ‘mystery of the counselling session.‘ Yes, you may feel apprehensive and a bit scared before the first session, that’s natural. Please be assured that you will receive a warm welcome and that I will help you to feel at ease.

Counselling could be an investment in your future self, so if you are ready to take that first step, or maybe it’s a leap click on the Contact Me button at the top of the page. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

I look forward to meeting you.

Have you been thinking about seeking counselling and resisting the idea? There may be many reasons stopping you:

“I should be able to sort this out for myself, do I really need help? “

“I have friends and family to talk to.”

“I feel too ashamed to admit I need help, people will think I’m weak.”

“The counsellor will think I’m crazy if I tell them what’s been going through my mind.” “My worries aren’t big enough to seek counselling, the counsellor will think I’m a time waster”

…and many, many more unhelpful thoughts in an attempt to talk yourself out of it.

These are all normal thoughts most people have; I hope I can lessen your fears by answering the questions above.

“I should be able to sort this out for myself. Do I really need help?”

A lot of the time, it is possible to ‘sort things out’; however, sometimes we can become so overwhelmed with a problem or fear that we go around in circles trying to reassure ourselves or asking others for reassurance, yet never finding a satisfactory answer.

“I have friends and family to talk to.”

Friends/family can be a great support, but because they can’t stand to see their friends or family suffering, it can result in a tendency to give advice and even pass judgment on the situation.

“What do you have to be anxious/depressed about?”

“You need to get a grip, there are many worse off than you.”

These questions, although an attempt to shake the person out of their mood, can have the effect of creating shame and guilt about how they are feeling and the thought that they shouldn’t be feeling like this. This may lead to feelings of isolation and a habit of keeping problems to ourselves….not good. The dam usually bursts at some point.

“I feel too ashamed to admit I need help, people will think I’m weak.

It most certainly is not a sign of weakness to seek help from an outside source, such as a counsellor. Admitting you want help is a sign that your problems and fears are about to overflow and that you have recognised your needs.

“The counsellor will think I’m crazy if I tell them what’s been going through my mind.”

Your counsellor will not think you are crazy. We have been trained to listen without judgment. You will be able to talk about whatever you want in confidence and without fear of being overheard.

“My worries aren’t big enough to seek counselling, the counsellor will think I’m a time waster.”

You may believe your problems aren’t big enough, but surely it’s better to seek help early before things blow up and become unmanageable? As a counsellor, I am always happy to listen to you, however large or small your worries are.

Although the first session may feel awkward, after all, you are talking to a stranger about your deepest thoughts; as we build the counselling relationship, it will feel more relaxed and natural to talk. Counselling is not an overnight cure, generally, clients report feeling a lot lighter after their first session and are relieved they have made the first step.

In a nutshell, if any of what you’ve read resonates and you feel ready for change, why not send me a message or give me a call via the Contact Me button at the top of this page. My counselling room is in easy reach of Newport, Ebbw Vale, Merthyr Tydfil, Caerphilly, Blackwood, Ystrad Mynach, Maesycwmmer, and surrounding areas.